Resolution by Sesa Woruban
in the Stargate SG-1 Awards 2003.
She'd known it was going to be a bad idea from the start.
Colonel Jack O'Neill, the same man who would have had his brain zatarced to oblivion before he'd admit to any feelings, had suggested a touchy-feely wake of sorts for Daniel. Obviously, he hadn't phrased it like that but he'd invited the remaining members of SG-1 to his place for beers and maybe a meal; he thought they might want to talk about Daniel's life.
He'd even made the effort to come and ask her in her lab - somewhere he hadn't been since the accident. However, despite the offer and the manner in which it was made, her first thought had been fairly uncharitable - who put him up to this?
The defensive and dismissive answer she'd initially given him belied the loss of trust and mutual understanding that seemed to have disappeared with Daniel. Still, after a little cajoling where he seemed dangerously close to making it an order, she'd agreed. In hindsight, she wondered if it was just to get him out of the room.
She'd sat there afterwards trying to feel guilty about the way she'd spoken to him, but the sting of his actions and the way he'd dealt with their friend's death had still left a numb ache. It was something that wasn't going to be solved by a few drinks.
~~~
As the evening arrived and she stood outside in the cold spring air poised to ring the bell, she genuinely hoped, if only a little, that she'd get beamed away any minute to assist the Asgard on some mission to save the universe - it had to be better than this.
However, after a few minutes, when it became apparent that Thor had lost his touch, she rang the bell. As she waited for him to answer the door, she made a pact with herself to make an effort. Maybe all it really took was a little patience to get the man to open up.
Half an hour into the evening, her resolution was being tested to breaking point. Apparently, despite his invitation, the Colonel seemed determined to discuss everything except what he'd claimed they'd come here to talk about. Every time she tried to bring the subject up, he'd expertly divert the conversation to some banal subject or other.
Her frustration grew when the two of them were left alone as Teal'c went to the kitchen for more food and drink. Eventually, after another aborted attempt to get him to say anything about their lost team member, she stepped over the command structure and told him what she thought.
"Every time I try to talk about Daniel you deflect it away, why?"
There, neutral comment, steer clear of feelings and leave off the rank salutation.
"What do you mean? I don't. I don't know what you're talking about."
He stood up from his easy chair trying to dismiss her words with movement as well. It bugged the hell out of her.
"Oh come on, don't pretend you're stupid, because I know you're not... sir!"
She realized the afterthought to add the sir had probably just made things worse as he turned and glared at her.
"I don't think that's an appropriate way to speak to your superior officer, do you?"
His tone was tight and controlled and she knew she was moving towards a precipice but after months of playing the restrained officer around him, she couldn't stop herself.
She stood and they moved to opposite sides of the coffee table.
"Oh, is that what we are here? Just a colonel and a major? Just fighting for the damn planet and-"
"Yes, damnit, what the fuck else is there?" He exploded.
The outburst stopped them both dead and their fists balled as if they were about to strike something - each other? Instead they just glowered over the divide, like wrestlers waiting for the bell.
Slowly the tension eased a little only because it had to. Her shoulders dropped but she held his gaze.
"Well, there used to be friendship and respect and... caring for each other."
Breaking the look, he turned and strode over to the glass doors looking out on his garden.
Defeated she added, "Don't you ever think of him, or want to talk about him or to him as if he's still here? I wonder what parts of you he didn't take with him when he went."
Nothing had been resolved, and her naive hope about tonight being a step in the right direction seemed to have been misplaced.
She saw his tense muscles through the back of his shirt and the haunted look in his reflection as he stared out into the inky blackness.
The silence continued and it appeared they had reached stalemate. Yet again, she found herself quiet and frustrated in his presence.
Torn between her past closeness to him as a friend and her current distance as apparently nothing more than his second in command, she felt the uncomfortable quiet lengthen.
At the same moment that she looked away making the decision to leave, she was hypnotized to hear him speak, softly at first and then with more conviction.
"I would rather be ashes than dust.
I would rather my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze
Than it be stifled in dry rot,
I would rather be a superb meteor,
Every atom of me in magnificent glow,
Than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The proper function of man is to live, not just exist.
I shall use my time."
Over the last month, the Colonel had made her feel a lot of things - anger, annoyance, pity and lately regret. This was new. She stared at the reflection of his down turned face in the glass and the old emotions melted together and away.
Tears and jumbled words began to form. Not thinking clearly, she spoke almost just to empty her mind. She only realized what she'd actually said when he turned and locked his shocked eyes on hers:
"Oh God, Jack, you're beautiful."
His eyes continued to widen and she immediately began to blabber, attempting to back-pedal, deflect and retreat -
"I mean, *it's* beautiful... the poem... lovely.. er... Colonel. So who's it by?"
- she saw the first genuine smile slowly form on his lips and she gave up digging the defense trench.
They must have stayed like that for a while, looking at each other, a tired but relaxed smile softening his features and slowly enticing a rueful grin on her own. Eventually, she broke the spell with a small chuckle.
"Welcome back... Colonel."
Mimicking her earlier goof, "Oh God, Sa*man*tha...", a light humor in his voice, "...I never left."
The moment disappeared quickly but something had changed. It would be imperceptible to anyone except those closest to them. Teal'c? Where was Teal'c anyway?
She looked up and around, "Where's Teal'c got to?"
He ambled back to his comfy chair and dropped into it, "Teal'c?! You out there buddy?"
On cue, the jaffa glided back into the room carrying a tray covered in beer and snacks.
"Indeed I am, I was most interested by your calendar - Hockey Babes 2002. Do these women actually play the sport?"
Jack winced slightly as she shared a look with the him. Teal'c had developed the ability to make a single sentence both tactful and not at the same time. She now knew that it was completely deliberate. If Teal'c was happy to forget the last ten minutes, and move on to ribbing the Colonel about his tasteless stationary, then so was she.
~~~
The rest of the evening passed without anything of importance happening. Teal'c talked more than usual as the Colonel and his Major relaxed with their own thoughts. Eventually, as Teal'c was moved to silence and with duties to consider the following day, they called it quits.
Sam turned in the doorway to say goodbye as Teal'c continued out to the car.
"Thanks, I've really enjoyed tonight."
"So have I. Goodnight Major."
"Goodnight, Colonel..."
"Jack."
"Excuse me?"
"Jack - Jack London - the guy who wrote the poem." He grinned, knowing how she'd taken it.
Not to be outdone, she murmured a little too softly, "Mmmm... Jack..."
Then, losing her nerve, she turned and walked to the car, not daring to see the expression on his face.
"Jack London, right. Goodnight, sir" she threw over her shoulder as she opened the driver's door and moved into the safety of her car.
Turning the key in the ignition, she grinned. Yep, definitely a bad idea.
~FINIS~
